Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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