omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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