After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
