Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
