he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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