i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Randomize
