Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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