sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
