i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
A bitchslap is in order.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
