i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
