She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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