he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
