was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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