sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
His nipple licking is glorious
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