i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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