I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
When are your genitals available?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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