i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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