Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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