so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Even my vagina gasped.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
