Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
