you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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