don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
