guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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