Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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