Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
How does it feel to date your dad?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
