Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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