Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
