There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
