we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
