I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
