Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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