I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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