I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
