weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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