and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
