sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
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judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
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whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
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