so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
