seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
