yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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