my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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