i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
