You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
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At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
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I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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