Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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