Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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