I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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