just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
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I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.