Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
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...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
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Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"