Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law