Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
