theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
im holly from the hills drunk
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.