I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
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i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
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Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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