Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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