please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
