I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
