My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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