Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
