I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
