WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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