I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
