I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
