Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
