how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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