found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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