I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
