Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she looked like the before picture.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
