maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
